ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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