Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
