I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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