cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
