Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
worst night to have a conscience
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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