This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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