Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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