I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
