My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
