I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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