note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
