I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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