im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
please come you make the beer taste better
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
