Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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