my phone needs a breathalizer
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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