see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
