I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Floor bacon is actually really good
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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