The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
