just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
