Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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