dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
