my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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