Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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