1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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