I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
