Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
