did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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