watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
