This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
