Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my being single is dangerous.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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