dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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