do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
