Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
