NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
