Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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