Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
