I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
