Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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