So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
