i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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