member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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