i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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