I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
