I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
