I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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