my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
