how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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