I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
