Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
