I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
