dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
